he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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