I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
