Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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