the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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