I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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