Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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