I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
