Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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