I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
