all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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