just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
