Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
