There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
