Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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