I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He shit in the fireplace
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
