One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
