I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
