my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
