Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
