I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't deserve a penis
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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