ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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