he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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