I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
