arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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