I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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