Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
