Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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