fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
