you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
