My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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