you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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