i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
