I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
