Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
