You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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