I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
