New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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