Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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