i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
