Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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