haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
