my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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