butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
