ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
