Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
