the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
