this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
