GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
