I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
