her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
