What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
